National Boards Suck...

(but please do consider going through this grueling process. I'll be there for you!)

I stumbled upon this today while not working. Anyone who has attempted National Boards will totally get this. For those of you who have not and are still not really sure what I've been doing over the past 9 months, maybe this will give you some insight and a good laugh:

You might be a National Board Candidate if . . .

1. You can order by number from the Chinese take-out place without consulting the menu

2. The people who answer the telephone at your local pizza delivery place and Chinese take-out restaurant recognize your voice and call you by name

3. You find a recent shopping list and an old shopping list in your coat pockets and you feel compelled to analyze them to determine what they reveal about the development of your consumer habits as they relate to your practice of making lists

4. You find a recent shopping list and old shopping list in your coat pockets and you contemplate using them as artifacts on which to base an interdisciplinary learning experience combining the topic of consumerism as both an economic and social issue with a math graphing activity, and you wonder if you can get three writing prompts out of it

5. You find out the hard way that a jug of red wine doesn't help you reflect on your practice

6. You attach to your mother's birthday present a cover sheet, a statement that you have release forms from everyone who signed the birthday card, a videotape of your children wrapping it while you facilitate, 12 pages of written commentary, then you place the present in a big envelope and slap a bar code sticker with your candidate number onto it before you FedEx it next-day delivery to your Mom in Texas

7. You pin a cover sheet and release form onto your students' coats and slap a bar code sticker with your candidate number onto each of their foreheads before you send them home from school

8. Your family drags you to an appointment with a therapist who works with with families and friends who feel neglected and the first thing she says when she sees the circles under your eyes and the stressed look on your face she says, "You teach, don't you?"

9. You get a call from Oprah because your friend volunteered your family and friends for the show on neglected families and friends, and the first thing she says when she hears the strain in your voice is, "You teach, don't you?"

10. You wake up at three am in a cold sweat and contemplate using your hot flashes in a health lesson and wonder how you can integrate the arts into that lesson

11. You buy stock in visine because in the past week you've purchased 3 bottles to soothe your bloodshot eyes.

12. Environmentalists picket your house because you've killed so many trees printing off draft after draft of entry after entry . . .